It can be a shock the first time we realize our little one is purposefully telling a whopper.
My partner and I were quite taken aback that at the ripe age of almost 3, our boy lied to our faces. This did not sit well with me. I was just about 99.999% sure that our sweet angel would not purposefully deceive us.
I did some research (of course), and I was pleasantly surprised! Not only is lying not a behavioral problem (most of the time), it’s actually a developmental milestone that he’s met! Little ones who lie are just growing up.
Wishful Thinking
For kiddos ages 2 to 3, the source of the lies is most likely just wishful thinking. Or they might just be confused. They could also just be telling us what they think we want them to say.
Children ages 4 to 5 “often make up stories and tell tall tales,” according to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry.
“This is normal activity because they enjoy hearing stories and making up stories for fun. These young children may blur the distinction between reality and fantasy.”
How to Handle a Lie
So now that we know that we aren’t raising secretly evil tiny humans, we can discuss how to handle a situation where our child is not being honest. It is very important to stay calm and respond without judgment. If our goal is for our children to be honest with us, we need to create an environment that feels safe for them to do so.
If your little one lied about something and you already know that they aren’t telling you the truth, do not try to catch them in the lie. Instead, it’s recommended to respond to them with curious questions and facts.
For example, you notice the snack cabinet and box of cookies inside are both open.. You look at your little one and notice crumbs all over that tiny face. You could open up the conversation by saying “huh, I see the cookie box was left open. What do you think happened?” Use a neutral calm tone.
If they don’t respond, you could add that they have some crumbs on their face. The idea is to open up the conversation and give them an opportunity to tell the truth. That way if they do fess up to taking the cookie without asking, you can still offer praise for them telling you the truth in the end.
Be a Safe Space
Depending on their response, there are a couple of different ways to approach the rest of the conversation. But the goal is to express how you are always a safe space to tell the truth and also that everyone makes mistakes.Screen Alternatives
If your child leans more towards the fantasy response, like maybe a dragon came and took the cookie when no one was looking! Your response could be “that would have been amazing! But I don’t think any dragons have been in here. His giant tail would have knocked over our table!”
From there you could work together to ‘figure out what did happen,’ even if you already know the answer. Or offer your little one a re-do. Ask if they would like to give it another shot and tell you what they think happened.
Encourage Honesty
If your kiddo hasn’t begun to dabble in mistruths or has just started to, it can be helpful to start to intentionally create a home environment where honesty is encouraged. This could look like offering praise when your child does admit making a mistake. Acknowledging that it isn’t an easy thing to do and you’re very proud of them. It can also be us grown ups modeling honesty for our children. Admitting when we have made a mistake. Do your very best to avoid responding to mistruths with lecturing or harsh punishments.
We don’t want to admit that our little ones are already being dishonest. But it is a little bit easier knowing that it’s completely normal and actually means they are right on track developmentally. I hope these tips and tricks are helpful in your home!
Sophie Hamel is a freelance writer and works in advocacy for victims of interpersonal violence. Her son is almost three years old.
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