Young kiddos are still finding their words and understanding their emotions. It can be hard to find the correct reaction when they lash out physically through hitting or kicking.
Obviously, we want to express to them that aggressive behavior like hitting and kicking is not to be tolerated. But it’s important for us to look at more than just the bad behavior itself.
As parents, we have to learn how we can help our children avoid lashing out with hits and kicks. I hope these tips that I use might be helpful to you, too.
Immediate Actions
To start, what immediate actions can we take when our child becomes aggressive?
This could be one child hitting or kicking another. It can also look like a kiddo getting really worked up and hitting or kicking a caregiver or items around the home
Sometimes the hitting or kicking could be a burst of energy that the child just doesn’t know what to do with.
Stay Calm
As parents, we have to stay calm and regulate ourselves. The more regulated we are, the more likely our little ones are to reciprocate when their nervous system is overwhelmed. Our calm transfers to them. It was once framed to me this way by another mom: “They aren’t giving us a hard time. They are having a hard time.”
Here’s how I try to handle it.
Once I’ve taken a deep breath and prepared myself to stay calm, I move closer to my little guy. This is just to keep him contained, make sure there is nothing that could hurt him if hit or kicked. I get down to his level so we can look at each other.
What I really want to avoid is yelling from across the room or meeting his energy or aggression level.
Depending on what exactly is going on, I try a couple different things. If my kiddo hit the dog, for example., I might get in close and calmly communicate that we don’t hit. I also model a gentle or soft touch to give him another opportunity to practice the correct response.
Tantrums
If my kiddo is overwhelmed or possibly having a “tantrum,” I want to be sure he’s safe. If it appears he might hurt himself, I can gently but firmly hold him without any yelling or punishing to stop the action.
Once my child is regulated and feeling a bit better, I remind him of my expectations. It is important to be straightforward and concise. I avoid lecturing or over explaining. When our kiddos are overstimulated, they aren’t in a place to be able to take in or process a lot of information. So, I’m direct and concise: “We don’t hit. Hitting hurts.”
Redirect
From there, I try to redirect my little one. This could be as simple as giving him another outlet for his aggression or pent-up energy.
When my kiddo starts swinging his arms, my first instinct is to direct him to the couch or bed, whichever is closer, to give him something soft to hit.
I believe a lot of my kiddo’s aggression stems from having too much energy and no idea what to do with it. After he finishes punching the couch cushions, I know it’s probably time for some sort of active game like an obstacle course in the backyard!
Naming Emotions
And as for working to prevent this behavior in the future, I’m trying to help my little guy name his emotions.
“Are you feeling angry because daddy had to leave to go to work and can’t keep playing?” This can help him gravitate towards expressing hisfeelings verbally because he has the words to identify them.
If I feel my kiddo starting to get a bit more escalated, I try to think back to what the source could be. Does he need his nap? A snack? Time in a less stimulating environment? I try to address the need to help avoid the behavior later.
We aren’t mind readers, and we are all just doin’ the best we can! That’s a fact. I hope my experiences might help provide some insight that will help you keep your kiddo and household just a little bit calmer.
Sophie Hamel is a freelance writer and works in advocacy for victims of interpersonal violence. Her son is almost three years old.
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